"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But
first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
" -Jarod Kintz
Hi, interwebz friends. I took a break. I fell into some feelings that I had to deal with, but don't worry... I brushed that shit off.
Have you ever prepared to move halfway across the country? Holy balls, dude. This is over-freaking-whelming. I'm in my bedroom all, "Do we need this? I bet I will never even think about this object again for the rest of my life if I threw it away right now... I should pack it." What the helllllllll? Why am I packing all this shit? I've been packing and re-packing the same boxes for weeks trying to weed out all the useless junk in them. Ugh. I need a personal assistant or something. Someone that can throw all my crap away for me that I can be pissed at for throwing it all away... And then secretly thankful that they did. The worst part of it is, though, that for every one item I throw away there are five more that I remember that I haven't even bought yet. Being a big kid BLOWS. Majorly. I'm all like, "Hey, paycheck, it was good to see you. Thanks for sticking around for 11 seconds! Meet me again in two weeks, so we can do this again."
So, Thanksgiving is around the corner. If I hear one more word about Christmas before I gorge myself on turkey and pumpkin pie, I swear to sweet ten pound bearded baby Jesus I will flip the fuck out. Thanksgiving is like Christmas' redheaded step child. I feel your pain, Thanksgiving. I'm a redheaded step child, too. (Just kidding. I'm a redhead, but everybody loves me.) But seriously. Why is Thanksgiving the forgotten holiday? It's the only one where you can show up empty handed, stuff your face until near Diabetic coma, drink half the box of wine your family provided, and pass out on your dad's couch. This is a golden holiday, America. Get it together!
I'm going out on Black Friday for the first time in my life this year. I am terrified. Those seasoned ladies freak me out. I'm so nervous they'll smell my fear and rip the Doc McStuffins Checkup Bench out of my quivering little hands causing me to runaway crying and forcing me to pay full price for the toy my husband is forbidding me to buy. Oh, yeah. Doc McStuffins Checkup Bench is happening, Mr. Streetlight. My Boy wants it. It's a "girl toy." Whatevs, dude. If he likes the little girl that is a doctor, he can play with her toys. Really, all I'm doing is setting my child up to be a physician and securing early retirement. Duh! No, not really. I just don't give half a crap if they toy is purple with flowers on it. He picked it out himself from the Big Book 'O Toys, so he can have it. It fits in his allotted gift budget, so he's getting it. BAM! Approximately, 4.5 minutes after Christmas I'll probably want to throw it out the window and promptly set it on fire, though. I bet it plays the Time for Your Checkup Song. Lord, help us all.
I got a new doggy. I thought I would never stop crying. It was honestly the hardest day of my life to lose that old boy. I still find myself waiting for him to bound down the hallway like a herd of elephants to play. His 2.0 is just as stubborn and protective, though. I think I've managed to take in the dog he became in his next life. Having a puppy is like having a toddler. I mean, if I say, "Why is it so quiet in there?" all of them get a guilty look on their faces. One hides the smashed crackers, two run away from the leaky sippy cup, one tries to hide the chewed on toy, and I cry silently in the corner while my house looks like it's just barely survived a small tornado that threw three kids worth of stuff everywhere. Nothing makes me happier (read: slightly insane) than hearing children screeching while the dog tries to pull their pants off. It's a Water Babies Sunblock advertisement in my house all day long. Why is this dog obsessed with pulling their pants off? I think I picked the village idiot of dogs. The kids love him, though. Ok, ok... I kind of think he's the cutest thing ever, too. Well, ok. Children, husband, puppy. Those are the order of cutest things I've ever seen. Or maybe it was Children, Puppy, Husband...?
