Sunday, June 2, 2013

I Hope You Still Feel Small When You Stand Beside the Ocean

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” -Anne Frank


So, I've been watching all the babies in my life turn into kids and all the kids turn into grown ups.  Some of it bums me out, but on the same hand I just have to keep reminding myself that this is supposed to happen and the only thing that stays the same is that nothing stays the same.  I've decided to put it down on... blog... what I've realized and learned in my few short years of being a mom.  They're kind of like my own set of Mom Commandments.

1. A deeply sleeping baby is scary.  You stand there perched over their little zonked out bodies asking yourself, "Is he breathing? Should I wake him up? If I wake him up, he's going to cry. Fuck it, I'm waking him up."

2. Someone somewhere is always going to judge you based on how you feed your baby.  If you formula feed your baby, you're giving her processed poison.  If you breastfeed your baby, you're going to make her clingy. Blah, blah, blah.  Feed the baby.  It doesn't matter if it's from an Enfamil can, or straight from the Mama Tap.  Just feed your baby.

3. Every parenting style is "wrong."  If you use Attachment Parenting, you're letting your kids walk all over you.  If you're a Helicopter Parent, you need to let your kids spread their wings.  If you're a Tiger Mom, you're too mean. Again... Blah, blah, blah.  Do your best.  Tell the other bitties to cram it.

4. Bassinets are like home gym equipment.  You buy that shit with the best intentions at heart, but it gets used like three times before you give up on it.

5. If you're wearing a black top during the spit up ages, you're going to be barfed on.  It doesn't matter if you're using a burp cloth.  The burp cloth could be the size of a three ring circus tent, but that doesn't matter.  It'll still end up on your black shirt.  (A variation of this is dirty toddlers and white shirts. After your kid starts walking, just completely eliminate white from your wardrobe.  It'll save money.)

6. Crawlers put everything in their mouths.  Everything?  Everything.  Having a crawling baby makes you feel like you're the worst house keeper in the world because even if you can't see it, they can.  And they're eating it.

7. You're gonna get peed on.  Boy?  Girl?  Doesn't matter.  If you've never been baptized by your child, you're doing it wrong.  Or maybe you're doing it right?  I don't know.  The jury is still out on this one.

8. Fact: Baby fingernails are the sharpest weapon known to man.  A near second is baby teeth.

9. Potty training a boy if you're a girl sucks.  Major sucks.  My son still hasn't managed the Stand and Pee without needing new pants immediately after.  =|

9.5 If your child is still in diapers and she's baby Houdini and you have this problem about remembering to put on her jammie bottoms...  Take out stock in Gain.  You'll be needing it to make back all the money you're going to be spending.

10. If you tickle your child eventually you're gonna take a foot to the schnoz.  Then, you're going to wonder why you ever thought putting your face that close to flailing toddler limbs was ever a good idea.  Then, you'll probably tickle him again the next day.

11. You're going to get mad at your kid.  You are.  But just when you're about to pull your hair out, she's gonna do the cutest shit ever, and you're just gonna be all, "D'awww! What was I mad about?"

13. Kids are fast.  Invest in roller skates.  And maybe a spare set of arms.

14. If your kids are sick, you're sick.  You may not know it yet, but as soon as they're on the mend and feeling fabulous... You're going to feel plague stricken.

And finally:
15. There is no such thing as too many hugs.  If you feel like you've hugged your kids too many times in the same day, hug them twice before they go to bed.

Sometimes, when I'm thinking about all that random junk we all think about before nodding off, I worry about if I'm sending my kids down the right path.  I wonder if I'm doing all that I can do to make them good people, but then I look back at all the crap I've done in my life.  My mom did the best she could for me.  Later on in life my dad did, too.  It didn't stop me from making bad decisions.  That is a part of live and learn.  We all have to grow up and sometimes mess up and reroute the cosmic GPS to get going in the right direction again.  I hope I show my kids the right way to go about doing things.  I hope they make better choices than I did in those last few crazy teen years, but if they don't I'll always remember Commandment 15.

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